In a world full of negativity, I think it is good to fill our kids' heads with as much positive as possible. I don't mean exaggerate and/or lie to make things sound great, but pointing out the obvious and making an effort to recognize something done well never hurt anyone. And just to clarify, I don't mean to over do it and tell them good job for everything they do. For example, at the age of nearly 9, I wouldn't hand out a compliment for getting his shoes on the right foot or picking up his room. I might thank him for keeping up on his chores. I did however praise him for his performance on his state assessments. He really put in an extra effort to prepare for the testing. He spent time nearly every night doing extra practice work to brush up on skills he hadn't done since the beginning of the year and the ones he had a harder time with. As a result he scored very well. I think that deserved praise! But again I didn't exaggerate it, I was clear at what I was proud about. I told him, "All of your hard work paid off! You did a great job! Way to go!" I didn't say anything like, "You're so smart" "You're such a great test taker" "You breezed through that test!" Now let me explain why I did it the way I did.
Like I said, I pointed out the obvious. My son worked very hard by studying for this test. I wanted that to be the focus of my praise. I wanted to be sure he understood that he did well on the test because of the effort he put into. If I were to say things like "you're so smart" "You made it look easy", etc...in my opinion, I think he might not work as hard the next time. Maybe he will think that since he did so well, he doesn't have to put in as much effort next time. Now don't get me wrong, I think my son is very smart. But I do not ever want him to drop his habits of studying and preparing for things like this. I want him to realize that he does this well due to working at it.
I also try to make sure that I add as much positive as possible to my daily life. This particular blog is more focused towards my youngest, as an example only. I do this with all of the kids. So often it seems that being the youngest he is the first to get the brush off, the "hang a minute", "not right now" and the "I will think about it". All of those comments come out of my mouth on a routine basis. I am trying very hard to combat that and be sure to be more positive and attentive. When I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and my son comes to me and needs my attention I need to be more aware of this and make it happen. It's a bad habit and unfortunately all too easy to do. He won't often complain, but that doesn't make it right.
On my commute home from work, it is my and my husband's time to talk with minimal interruption. We share our stories from the day and catch up on things we need to discuss. Why should I downplay anything my child has to say? Who says his stories are not as important as mine? Who says he doesn't need to be heard? As I type this, I have a HUGE pang in my gut. I feel horrible because I have been so guilty of this so many times. All he needs is a few minutes and who am I to say he doesn't deserve it! He most certainly does and I vow to make a huge effort to not lack on that again.
His stories may be long and drawn out and there may be a lot of "and"'s and "ummmms" in his words, but that is OK with me. He has a voice, he has a story and he should be heard. He also has feelings, even though at this age I don't think he can properly express them. I have more than likely crushed his feelings without any intent of doing so. It doesn't excuse it, it just makes me want to change my ways. I am not saying that you should drop everything you are doing every time you child has something to say, but what I am saying is make sure you are making time for them to be heard.
What if one day your child decided to not tell you things? What is they decided it was not worth the time to try and share the stories of their day with you? What if they gave up on trying to speak to you and you missed the important stuff? What if you made the time? What if your child came to you about all or most of the important stuff? What if your child felt so comfortable talking to you they shared their life?
We can what if all we want, but why do we need to? Here it is people, laid out for you. You have to make time to listen, you have to praise without over praising. We have to point out the rewards of their efforts. We have to teach our children how to be good listeners and in the long wrong they will teach their kids. We can start a revolution of open kids who feel comfortable talking. They will feel heard, important and it will reflect in everything they do. So, for all of you who think you really listen to your kids, for those who think they honestly take the extra time and praise where praise is deserved...think about it. Make sure you are giving them the right to be heard, the pat on the back and great start to life that they will pass on.
