You're Doing It Wrong...Stop The Yelling

 I never really considered myself a big time "yeller" but when I look back and reflect, well damn!  I never knew.  Yelling doesn't always mean screaming at the top of lungs so loud they could hear you in China. Yelling is a way to communicate big feelings, and unfortunately poor form of verbal interaction.  Of course you will catch the attention of the person you are yelling at, but the focus is not there.  All of the words will not sink in, they will be more focused on the tone, pitch and volume of your voice.  

I come from a long line of yellers.  It was considered the norm for so long.  My father was a police officer, and his voice alone was enough to keep me in line.  My mom, well of course she yelled at me...she was raising me after all! LOL  Now as far as grandparents go, I remember my mom's parents as yellers, big time!  But not my dad's...at least not my grandma.  I remember Grandpa yelling, but it was never directed towards me so I didn't pay much attention to it.  

Parenting styles are inherited from your own upbringing and slightly tweak them to fit with your own values, experiences and the times.  There is 12 years between my oldest child and my youngest child.  And I can tell you that I do parent them differently.  It's not because my youngest is the baby either.  I was very young when I had my first 2 kids.  I didn't have as much patience and worldly experience.  By the time I had my 3rd child I was more mature, learned how to better cope with stressful situations and could learn from my, dare I say it...mistakes?  I don't think I raised any of my kids incorrectly.  They have all turned out just fine, (so far)...

I am/was a believer in spanking.  My thoughts on the topic have changed, but only slightly.   I do not believe it is abuse, I do not look down on people for doing it, but there is a proper way for it to be done effectively.  Now the difference between how I spanked my first 2 kids versus the last one?  Several things, all while keeping the same beliefs.  Was the last one just a better kid?  LMAO...No way!  They were all pretty ornery!  I had just learned to be more patient for starters.  There is a HUGE difference between a first time parent at 18 and 3rd time parent at 30.  I understood kids better by the 3rd one, and with that we were able to avoid situations where in the past would have resulted in a spanking and or yelling.  

So, back to the yelling...lol.  I think everyone is capable of yelling, just not everyone chooses to use that ability.  I think we can all agree that yelling is also one of the least effective forms of communication.  I would tend to shut down in most situations where I might be yelled at.  Yelling as a chosen form of communications is favorable to people who are bullies, abusers and drill sergeants.  They are all trying to show dominance and bring about respect through fear.  The only people that I think this can have any positive outcome might be the drill sergeant!  Their tactic is to break you in a sense, I have no desire to break anything that is part of my children.

With that in mind, it makes me rethink how I handle stressful issues and feelings of anger. If I am not careful, those moments can get out of control really quick and things might be said that don't need to be.  Or the volume of my voice can rise to a point that I have been shut out by the receiver.  And until you honestly think about it, think about how you might be in those moments, you just have no idea.  It was very eye opening for me.  It's like watching a movie of yourself, but in your head.  Imagine how you would feel being yelled at like that.  Take a moment, a long moment and seriously think about how you react and the volume and tone you use..........................................................................
Scary, isn't it?

There is a lot of talk these days about pets.  Such as training them, how you should speak to them to get the desired results and so on.  The big thing right now is to not beak their spirit, do not destroy who they really are because animals have feelings, too.  Well put your child in this story now, I by no means want to break my child's spirit or alter who they are at all.  I never want to speak to them in such a way that makes them feel they are "beneath me" or not my equal in respect.  I am not saying I want to them to get away with doing wrong, but I want to be sure to effectively communicate my feelings to them in hopes that they will do the same. I don't want them to live in fear of every action they do or every word they speak might upset me during everyday type situations. 

I am one of those that will fill in the blanks.  By that I mean, if I have asked a question and I am not getting a response, I am very likely to fill in the blank in hopes of getting some sort of a reply.  It might be exaggerated and it might not be, it will probably piss off the one I am speaking to, but when the moment is tense and the other party is not cooperating, tempers flare and words are not as well thought out.  I know I need to stop this, I know I need to be the one to remain in control of myself.  They second I lose control of my emotions, the situation at hand might as well not even exist because nothing positive will come of it this way.

So, how do you change this behavior?  How do you get others on board with it also?  Let's face it, the sooner everyone realizes that being in control of your actions is a much better way to communicate the better off it will all be.  I am not out to change my family by any means.  We are all who we are and that is what makes us, well...us!   We are not bad people, we are not mean.  If anything, we are just passionate and honestly slightly stubborn.  I cannot just spring this on them and expect everyone to follow suit and it'll be perfect.  I need to think about how I myself am going to approach this change.  I need to observe myself and take mental notes in various situations for just a bit.  I need to find out my trigger points and take it from there. 

I hope that through my own self observations that I can start to make little changes that might be noticed.  And by the time that I have a handle on making this work for myself, I can then share with my family and take it from there.  Hopefully by then they might be able to see a change and make it that much easier for us to all do this together.  I am not saying there will not be slip ups and the occasional emotional flare, but I think it will be able to handled better.  To ensure great communication and make for great family memories.  I am really digging this idea and I hope my family will also.  I want to put this out there as a personal challenge to anyone reading this.  Can you stop the yelling?  Stay tuned to see how I do!  

Back In The Day, A Little History Lesson

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery...if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"  But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.  Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,  then the women and finally the

children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. And to think, we thought they were only for looks!  Who would have thought they were practical, (at one point and time), also! 

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,

so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence: a thresh hold.    (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the

stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas

porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home

the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake

up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running

out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins

were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive... So they would

tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone

could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth....Now, whoever said History was boring